Unarguebly the greatest pinoy rock band of all time, the Eraserheads is having a one-night-only concert on August 30, 2008 at the CCP open grounds. Admission is free. Marlboro is sponsoring the said event and rumors has it that the cigarette giant has offered each members of the EHeads a whopping 10 million php to do a 45-minute set. The band has already confirmed the concert over their yahoogroups so stop speculating. Oh yes, my local rock idols are finally having their reunion concert! Amen.
One Band. One Brand. One Night Only. This will go in the history books friends so mark the date and be there!
Oh yes! It's true. Canned thoughs is once again open!
A lot has happened since I last blogged. and when i say a lot, I damn mean, numerous A LOT.
First thing's first. please stop asking me what happened to me due to the fact that I was unreachable for the past few weeks. my phone broke and I was so damn busy with both my masterals and my teaching load.
Basta. I'll tell all my tales little by little in the coming days.
But for now, my cyberspace life is alive once again.
Cheers!!!
Stan stares blankly at the woman infront of him as he hears a familiar voice. He was in a state of ambivalence; he wasn't sure whether to feel joy or fear.
"Hello, long time no see," the woman infront of him, asked.
"Hi. It's been ages since I've heard from you. 'Musta na," he replied with a question.
"Nothing much. I was just shopping some stuff and luckily I bumped into you."
"Well, same here."
Time stopped as Stan tried desperately to find the right words to say.
"Jean..."
"Yes?"
"I missed you."
Stan felt the old feeling he had for the girl he was talking to. It was the most surreal feeling of passion he experienced for it had bloomed in the most unusual and unexpected circumstances.
He is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
"You look... uhmmm, good," Stan tries to start a conversation with Jean.
"Good? What kind of pick-up line is that," Jean responded with a smile.
"I didn't mean anything wrong..."
"I know. You don't have to be that defensive. I'm just kidding."
"So what's keeping you busy?"
"Work. I'm teaching in a little preschool somewhere in Quezon City."
"So you finally got your dream job."
"Yep. I guess so."
"Hey, if it's not too much to ask, would you like to have coffee?"
"Right now?"
"Uhmmm, yes."
"..."
"..."
"Coffee would be nice."
As the two former lovers stroll lazily at the mall to a nearby coffee shop, they walk with an emotional space between them. Their bodies may only be a reach away from each other but their hearts are miles apart. Both of their minds raced in circles. After years of desperate wondering and searching, Stan found once again the woman she truly loves, while Jean faced once again the man she bitterly left. From time to time, their hands accidentally touches each other as they walk, recreating that familiar sensation that they have longed for years. But neither dared hold the other's hand.
At the coffee shop, Stan ordered for Jean. He still remembers her favorite warm drink. Just like a rerun of their own love story, they seem to go back from where they had left things. After getting their orders, the two former lovers seem stuck in their respective emotional bubble, both being anxious of breaking the invisible barrier between them. Out of nowhere, they broke that unseen wall with one personal question.
"You seeing someone right now," both of them ask each other at the very same moment.
"..."
"..."
Feeling somehow uncomfortable with the question, both just laugh innocently.
"Ladies first," Stan said to Jean.
"Uhmm, okay. I'm seeing someone right now. His name is Sean and we've been together for three years already."
Jean's response suddenly brought sharp pain to Stan, just like having a dagger pierced to his very own heart. He didn't realize that after all these years he'll still be deeply emotionally attached to her, and knowing that she's committed to someone else still hurts him. Maybe it was also his fault, for seeing her again made him desperately wished that she's still free and they could bring back what they used to have.
"How about you," Jean returned the question to Stan.
"Huh? Me? Nah. I'm busy doing residency as a doctor, which consumes most of my time."
"Oh really? I bet your dating some cute intern, or perhaps some gorgeous nurse."
"No. I'm really single right now."
"I can't believe that."
"What made you say that?"
"From how I've known you, you're not the type that doesn't know how to be single."
"That's so mean."
"Hahaha!"
Stan was already uncomfortable knowing that Jean's again involve with someone else, and adding insult to injury to himself, being single made things worse. As he stares at her, he could see that she seem happy and radiant with her life, maybe better than the time she was still with him. He realized that meeting her was like another chance at love, another chance to redeem himself. And this time, he's pretty damn sure of his feelings for her, and her worth to him. He has no intentions of letting her slip away. Finding the perfect words to say, he unconsciously stares at her while she smiles back.
"Are you gonna sit there and stare at me?"
"Whoa? You were saying something?"
"Are you alright, Stan?"
"Yes. I'm perfectly fine. What else could I ask for?"
"There's the Stan I knew, with his icy-cool pick-up lines."
"Is that what you only remember of me?"
"Quite defensive, eh? Is there anything else to remember?"
"Do you really mean that?"
"Would you stop being uptight? I'm not insensitive."
"..."
"..."
For the very first time since they broke up, they exchanged warm smiles that completely melted the invisible barrier between them.
The two former lovers talk about each other and shared stories, trying to bridge the gap that their breakup created. Truly, a lot has happened in the past four years, and yet they found themselves laughing at stories when they were still together. They unconsciously realized that they not only miss each other, but more appropriately, they longed for one other.
Hours have already passed and Stan is aware that he's losing precious time. If there was any right time to open old wounds, Stan decides that it is now the right moment. For him to have Jean back in his life, he must first seek her forgiveness. And her forgiveness is his own salvation.
"Jean, why did you left?"
"..."
"..."
"I have to. I was hurt."
"I'm sorry. I really am. Up to this day, I haven't forgotten what happened."
"It's alright. Let's just forget everything?"
"Everything?"
"Yes, everything."
"Even us?"
"..."
"Please, Jean..."
"Stan, stop."
"I won't stop. Not this time. The last time I hesitated, I lost the most important woman in my life. I lost you, Jean. Now, I'm damn sure how important you are to me."
"..."
Old wounds have been opened. The pain of Stan and Jean's past starts to rise from the core of their hearts. It is the same pain that they have eluded all this time. And only in each other could they find the cure to heal themselves.
Stan has already lost Jean. Without her, he found no meaning in his life. He has nothing further to lose this time. One question stands between his grief and relief. With all the courage that he could muster, he reached out for her hand and spoke.
"Do you still love me?"
"..."
"I just wanted to make sure, Jean."
"What for, Stan? We have different lives already."
"Because I still love..."
Before Stan could finish his sentence, Jean interrupted her. She sealed his lips with a finger and smiled.
"It's time for me to go. Thanks for the coffee. I enjoyed our talk," Jean bid Stan farewell.
"Wait, Jean. Will I see you again?"
"Stan, it would be better if we just let our story remain a closed book."
"Do you still hate me that much?"
"I've already forgiven you four years ago. It's just that it took me also that same amount of time to move on. We both know it was not easy for the both of us."
"You didn't answer my question, Jean."
"Things have been difficult for us, Stan. Please don't make it any worse."
"I've regretted everything that made you feel that way. And if there's anything that I could do to pay for my sins..."
"You don't have to do anything, Stan. Way before we parted, you've already given me something that made me value my existence. You loved me and it was the most blissful thing that ever happened to me."
"I still do. I still love you, Jean."
"If only you have meant that four years ago, Stan, things would have been different."
"I know. That's why how late those words may be, I'm still saying it to you right now, because those words still linger inside me."
"..."
Time stop as Jean heard the words that she had desperately denied all these years. Tears start to form at the corner of her eyes. As she hopelessly fight the emotions inside her, she is torn between giving herself the love that she truly deserve, and giving herself the new life she painstakingly built without Stan. She cannot deny to herself that she still loves him, for she knew that he had done nothing wrong but to love her so much. They were victims of harsh circumstances that pushed her to deliberately leave him without saying goodbye. Their story is still an open book, but as much as she really wanted to continue things the way they left it, a lot have already changed in the past four years. And she cannot continue to be immature or selfish for her decision would not only affect her own life but also another life as well.
As Stan once again reached out for Jean's hand, Jean has finally decided. Feeling his touch for the very last time, she let go of her tears for him. With grieving eyes she looks at him and finally withdraw her hand from his grasp.
"I'm so sorry, Stan. Please forgive me. Goodbye."
Jean turned his back at the man she loves and walked away, having his heavy heart burdening her footsteps. As for Stan, he mustered all his strength to stop himself from following her and from letting his own tears to fall. He feels that she is still hurting inside and his existence in her life only makes it worse. Somewhere in his heart he hears her soft voice wanting closure from everything. Until the end, he loves her enough to give to her the one thing he dread the most, yet she truly deserve: her freedom.
Finally, after seeing once again the girl she loves, he turned his back and walked away from her, this time for good.
Several paces away from Stan, Jean wiped her tears and met with the new man in her life, Sean. Noticing a tear from her eye, Sean comforted her with a warm embrace. Jean owes her new life to him. He is the sole reason that compelled her to finally let go of Stan for he saved her from her ordeal from her past and gave her life new hope and direction she desperately needed.
She is now in love with Sean.
As they look back at Stan from afar, Jean kissed Sean at the cheek and whispered to him. Innocently, he smiled and waved at Stan.
"Goodbye Papa," Sean said.
Jean stood with Sean as she silently weeps for Stan, the father of her son.
-30-
hithit...
buga...
hithit pa...
at isama ang iyong kalul'wa...
malamig.
kelangang magpainit.
nag-hang utak ko.
kelangang i-restart ako.
hithit...
buga...
sinong kumuha?
kulang ako ng isa.
badtrip.
kelangang magpakalma.
lover's quarrel.
kelangang paamuin ang demonyitang angel.
hithit...
buga...
teka muna.
pa-arbor naman ng isa.
busog.
ang sarap ng sisig.
gutom nanaman ang isip.
inip na't gustong umidlip.
hithit...
buga...
tama na.
ubos na ang isang kaha.
ikaw.
ako.
tila mga yosi.
mga utak na walang sindi.
hithit...
buga...
teka muna.
bibili pa ako ng isa.
In a beautiful Sunday morning, a wedding is taking place in the solemn Church of St. John. White and red roses and lilies flourished the area with purity and beauty while a string quartet filled the air with their romantic music.
All eyes are focused on Melissa. She's breathtaking in her white dress. Her tears start to make its way at the corners of her eyes as she slowly walks towards the aisle. This was the day that she's been dreaming of since she was a little girl. At the end of the aisle stands the man she loves more than anything in this world. There is the man whom she wants to spend her whole life with.
That man is Carlo.
Melissa and Carlo are soul mates. Since the day they met back in high school, they have been happily together as friends and eventually as lovers. The years have nourished and strengthen their relationship with unconditional love and trust. Together, they have grown into great individuals living their lives to the fullest and loving each other more than yesterday.
Now that they've come of age, it's time for them to seal their love forever in the bounds of marriage. Melissa would always remember the day Carlo proposed to her. Somehow she was expecting it but there is nothing like the real thing. For her, there was nothing like having the man you truly love offers his life and his future with her.
As she walks slowly down the aisle, Melissa looks at Carlo from afar and she remember vividly how her fairy tale started: with a phone call from him on one quiet evening.
"Baby, I need your help. My car just broke and I'm stuck here in Antipolo."
"What?! What are you doing in Antipolo?"
"I had a conference here this afternoon. Didn't I tell you?"
"You never told me anything about Antipolo. You sure you came from a conference there?"
"C'mon, Baby. I'm stuck here in the middle of nowhere and it's getting late."
"Ok. I'll call you when I'm there."
As Melissa drove quickly from Makati to Antipolo, her mind was playing with her. She knows that she's quite the jealous type. Even though Carlo and her have been together for several years, she still can't seem to completely trust him. She also knows that he's been faithful to her for she was his first and last girlfriend. But she still can't understand why she still feels insecure.
Just like this instance, she still cannot believe that Carlo went to Antipolo for an alleged conference without telling her.
Melissa arrived at Antipolo at around nine in the evening. Carlo told her to meet him in a local restaurant for he was hungry and quite tired. Anger starts to boil inside her, as she seem cannot find him inside the restaurant. Then a waiter accompanied her to him. What happened next was something she would treasure forever.
Inside an open cottage overlooking the metropolis, a candlelight dinner for two awaits her. White and red rose petals are scattered everywhere. And there was Carlo, standing from afar, smiling at her.
"What's this," Melissa asked Carlo.
"A surprise."
"I'm still mad at you. You never told me anything about your conference."
"Baby, I have a confession to make. There was no conference. I just made everything up."
"You do know that I was worried and I drove all the way from Makati to Antipolo."
"Yes, I do know that."
"So why do you have to make me do all of those if you could just asked me out in the first place?"
"We have been going out for several years already and I want this night to be different."
"And why?"
"Because of this."
Carlo knelt in front of Melissa, brought out a small box from his pocket, opened it and gave her the ring inside.
"Baby, since the day we've met, I never saw myself living my life with someone else. I am happy with you in my life and I wanna continue my life with you. Will you marry me?"
"Oh Baby! I don't know what to say."
"You could say yes?"
"Of course! I love you!"
That was the happiest day of Melissa's life. She believed she couldn't be happier. She cannot ask for anything more in her life. She has a successful career as a department manager of an advertising firm and has an engagement to the one man she has loved all her life, not to mention having a loving and supporting family. What more could she ask?
Perhaps a happy ending.
Every time something great happens to Melissa, especially something massive such a wedding proposal, there is one person that Melissa informs first, her younger sister, Marianne. There isn't a secret that the two never shared with each other. From their first crushes, their first kisses, their first loves, their first heartbreaks, they always tell each other and swear never to tell others.
But there was one secret, one sister keeps from the other.
The two sisters are quite similar on the outside, having those gorgeous almond eyes and stunning figures to die for. But on the inside, they are complete opposites. While Melissa is idealistic, career-oriented, and nice, Marianne is realistic, carefree and stubborn. While Melissa has become successful in every aspect of her life, Marianne has been struggling with hers. Despite their differences, they had maintained a strong bond through the years, having each other's back. Melissa has always been the older sister that guides Marianne to the right decisions, while Marianne has always been the younger sister that stays with Melissa through the tough times. They are more than sisters. They are best friends.
Somewhere in the wedding, Marianne also stood beautifully in her white dress. She looks at her sister, and all this time, she still envies her. She remembers vividly how her sister called her on her mobile phone and told her about her wedding.
"Marianne, I'm getting married," Melissa spoke in joyous hysteria.
"What? With whom?"
"With whom? Are you drunk? Of course with Carlo, silly!"
"Really?! When did he propose to you?"
"Just right now. He's even on his knees and I'm holding a super nice ring!"
"Finally, after ten years, your boyfriend decides to commit suicide."
"You're so mean!"
"Hahaha! I'm just kidding! Congratulations, Sis!"
"I want you to be my maid-of-honor."
"Really?"
"You're really drunk, aren't ya? There's no one in the world that I would like to be my maid-of-honor but my stubbornly-cute sister."
"Thanks, Sis."
As Melissa ended her call and savored the moment with Carlo, on the other hand, Marianne stares blankly while still holding her mobile phone. She knew this day would come. But it turned out that how much she had prepared and anticipated this dreaded moment, it would still sting her, still hurt her, still burn her. She thinks of Carlo, the man that her sister loved all her life, the man that her sister would be marrying, the man that her sister would be spending her life with.
And he was also the man she secretly adores.
Right after the proposal, the couple prepared for their wedding in less than six months. But due the nature of her work, Melissa wasn't able to focus entirely on the preperations while Carlo filed a leave of absence at his office to tend to the wedding. Ironically, Marianne accepted the task of being their wedding planner. From the wedding date, the guests, church and reception, attires, invitations, flowers, and souvenirs, she chose everything for the couple. Having similar taste with her sister, she meticulously took care of every detail, like it was her own ceremony.
As the wedding draws near, the emotional burden begins to make its toll to her, making her both depressed and desperate.
She hopelessly believed that it was her own wedding that was happening, and she prayed every night that she's the one who would walk the aisle with Jason.
She didn't know that Fate was listening at her.
Back at the wedding, Carlo looks at the woman that is walking down the aisle. He stares at Melissa, the woman she truly adores. Since the day he met her up until this very moment, he still feels that unexplainable, warm and joyous feeling every time he sees her. There hasn't been any woman that made him feel as such. And his life has never been happier ever since. Soon, he will be a married man. The long wait will finally be over. He should be completely happy.
As he stood at the end of the aisle waiting for her bride, he remembered vividly the day he was torn between the two sisters. He remembered the day Marianne told him how much she loves him.
It was barely three months, halfway through the wedding preparations. After a busy day tending to the wedding preparations with Melissa, he dropped her at her place and drove straight home. He arrived late in the evening and found Marianne, infront of his house, standing alone and waiting for him with tear-stained eyes.
"You all right," Carlo called Marianne as he quickly ran to her side.
"We need to talk."
"It's quite late. I'll drop you home."
"Please Carlo, hear me."
"Ok. I'm listening. Let's go inside. It's quite cold here."
"You're not getting me, Carlo. This is hopeless. I shouldn't have gone here on the first place."
As she turned her back at him and starts to walk away, he reaches for her hand and stopped her. Tears start to fall again from her eyes as she felt for the first time he finally noticed her existence.
"I can't do this anymore," Marianne pleaded to Carlo.
"Do what?"
"Seeing you with Melissa is painful already. But going through with your wedding with her is killing me. I rather stab myself with a knife than to lose you completely to someone who stole my life."
"I don't understand."
"All my life I live under Melissa's shadow. She's the responsible daughter, the kind friend, the successful sister, and the perfect lover. She's everything I dream to be. And she's everything I am not. I've tried to be as responsible, as kind, and as successful as she is, but I've long realized that I just can't do all of those. But as a perfect lover, Carlo, I know I could be better than her. I'm willing to give up everything for the man I truly love."
"..."
"I love you, Carlo. I've always loved you. Since the day I met you, I knew you were a great man. Unfortunately, I also knew you were madly in love with my sister. You were always there for Melissa, through the good and the bad times. And if there was one thing I would want the most in this world, it would be having someone that would treat me like that, that would see me beyond my blemishes, that would love me unconditionally."
"I don't know what to say."
"..."
Out of nowhere, Marianne gave Carlo a long, passionate kiss. As their lips were sealed, Carlo's mind was racing. This shouldn't be happening. It was Melissa whom he loves, but here he was, with Marianne. He shouldn't be kissing her. He shouldn't be enjoying their kiss. But deep down inside him, he couldn't deny that their stolen moment was blissful, if not more heavenly than anything he ever felt with Melissa.
The Sunday morning was a real beauty, as a wedding takes place in the solemn Church of St. John. White and red roses flourished the area with purity and beauty while a string quartet filled the air with their romantic music.
All eyes are focused on Melissa. She's breathtaking in her white dress. Her tears start to fall from her eyes as she reached the aisle. This was the day that she's been dreaming of since she was a little girl. Infront of her stood the man she loved more than anything in this world. Within her reach was the man whom she wanted to spend her whole life with.
That man was Carlo.
As the two lovers stood infront of the altar and faced each other, they couldn't deny how much they hoped for this day to come. They both wanted to savor every moment. They wanted to be real happy for they still believed that their love story is bound to end this way, infront of the altar.
Unfortunately, that's the closest thing to a happy ending their love story could get: only infront of the altar.
Melissa couldn't save herself from her own tears. She desperately wished those were tears of joy she was shedding. But the truth was both too powerful and painful for her to deny. She could have run far away prior to the wedding but she chose to be there. She was there, not for Carlo, but for someone else who needed it the most. After all, it was supposedly her wedding.
Carlo searched hopelessly for the right words to say at Melissa. He even wanted to embrace her, to kiss her, to feel her loving presence once again. But the truth was both too powerful and painful for him to deny. He could have run far away prior to the wedding but he chose to be there. He was there, not for anyone else but for the one woman he loves the most, Melissa. After all, it was supposedly his wedding.
Their fairy tale finally ended as they both woke up from their delusions and faced reality. Melissa regained her strength to leave the altar, for it wasn't her place at that wedding. She gave one last glance at Carlo and walked to her designated seat. As for Carlo, he turned his eyes away from her and looked at the woman walking down the aisle.
There was his bride, Marianne.
As the couple exchanged their vows, Marianne couldn't also stop herself from crying. She should be vindicated; now that she got one thing her sister wanted the most. She should be happy; now that she got the man she truly loves. But she knows to herself that she could never completely have Carlo, for he left his heart to Melissa. On the other hand, Carlo prevented himself from shedding any tears, or showing any emotions at all. But there was one thing he couldn't save himself from: his own guilt.
As for Melissa, she wished this wedding to push through, not for Marianne, Carlo, or for herself. But for someone who would see the world eight months after this ceremony. This wedding was for her niece, Marianne's unborn daughter.
-30-
June 9, 2006. 5:00 AM. John wakes up from the sound of his alarm clock. For him, another day would only mean three things. Work. Work. And work. His life revolves on the bounds of his career as a senior project manager in an outsourcing company. Friends would mean associates. Family would mean his project team. Success would mean a completed project way beyond the deadline.
And Love would mean a promotion.
For someone whose god is his boss and whose faith is his career, he lives a meaningless and routine life.
John runs his life by the letter. He hasn't been late nor absent to any of his commitments all his life. He does everything in precise timing as he planned. From the moment he wakes up in the morning until the time he closes his eyes at night, he never misses anything in his schedule. This natural phenomenon happens every single day of his life.
After taking a warm bath and changing into his clean corporate attire, he prepares his coffee. Black. Without cream or sugar. Just like his life: plain, bitter and dull. But it works for him for it charges him everyday without fail. He doesn't eat anything for breakfast. He has read somewhere that a full stomach could interfere with the optimum functioning of the mind for blood in brain is allocated to the stomach to facilitate better digestion.
At exactly five-thirty in the morning, John leaves for work. He knows he should leave at this exact time for the latter he leaves his house, the greater chance that he would be late for work. Traffic in the metropolis is urban hell incarnate. He takes the monorail and in less than an hour he arrives at his office with several minutes to spare.
An hour ahead of his shift, he arrives at his office as planned. A sentinel greets him as he swipes his identification card at the entrance of their building. Since joining his company several years ago, he always arrives first at work without fail. If there was a lifetime award for punctuality and perfect attendance, it would be a no contest for him.
At around eight in the morning, John's workplace starts to hum to the tune of an automated chaos. Cubicles are flooded with employees encoding data and answering phone calls, while offices are filled with project teams deciphering and completing complicated projects. Amidst the confusion, John stands focus and undisturbed, leading his team to another successful project.
"Well done, team," he tells his team.
"It's great to be with you, Sir," one subordinate replies to him.
"You're really amazing, Sir," another flatters him.
"You can return to your respective cubicles now. See you all on our next project."
As his team returns to their respective cubicles, John looks at his watch. 10:00 AM. At this moment everyday, his associate, Nicole, prepares a coffe and snack in their pantry. He peeks from his office but she was neither near their pantry nor in her office. He wonders what might happen to her. Like him, she's neither absent nor late for work. He still remembers vividly the time where they were still newly hired in the company six years ago. They used to work in the same team. Due to their impressive performance, they have been both promoted as senior project managers in less than three years.
His reminiscing was disrupted by an applause from his officemates. He looks at the hallway and sees Nicole, with their boss, being congratulated by other employees.
"John," Nicole calls him from afar.
Nicole runs to him and flashes her sweet smile. From the way her eyes twinkle and her smile widens, John could conclude that she's in a state of euphoria. All this time, she still looks mesmerizing, still taking his breath away every time he sees her. At five foot and five inches and armed with those Chinese eyes, fair complexion and slim figure, she is the most beautiful girl John has ever met. He even knows that every guy in their company, even his boss, wants to date her.
"I got our dream job, John," she frantically told him.
"What job?" he asked.
"I'm finally going to New York!"
"Whoa? Really? Congratulations..."
Unexpectedly, before John could finish his sentence, Nicole hugged him innocently. For the first time since they've met, that was the closest place he ever stood from her. In between her arms.
During that very moment, his mind was torn into two. He was happy for her. He felt his body absorbing her joy. He shared with her something they both dream of since starting in the company: that illustrious offer in New York. And yet the other part of him felt a certain lost. He felt that he was more deserving of that job. Skill-wise, he was far more competent that her. But attitude-wise, she dominated him in every aspect of the word. A lot of people used to find him weird, if not introvert. Rumors have even spread that he may be gay. And only Nicole was the one who never treated him like some science geek or some circus freak.
"I'm hungry," Nicole told John.
"So where do you want to order our lunch?"
"The usual."
"Grilled tuna in lemon sauce, fresh salad and red iced tea?" He remembers her favorite food in an instant, just like he remembers everything about her.
"You know me too well, John," she replied with a smile.
After less than an hour, their lunch arrived. Just like for the past six years, Nicole's been eating grilled tuna in lemon sauce with fresh salad and red iced tea for lunch, while John's been having roasted chicken breast with steamed vegetables and coffee crush shake. They've been having their lunch at Nicole's office ever since.
And this lunch maybe their last one together.
While having their lunch, John can't help but to look at Nicole's office. Hers is a living contradiction of his office. While his own has the color of blue, their company's color, hers has a touch of pink and red. He keeps that corporate-industrial atmosphere by having white lights and minimal metallic gray-colored furniture. Hers has a zen-glamorous ambiance with yellow and oranges lights complementing her comfortable brown oversized couches. He remembered back then that he found her taste inappropriate for their office but since then, he had learned to appreciate every piece of it. And he knows that when she leaves for New York, he'll going to miss her office, and all the wonderful moments they shared in it.
Most of Nicole's stuff were already placed on various boxes. The only things that were left untouched were those on her working table. One particular thing that caught his attention was her pictures. Most of it included him with her. Frozen in time were all those happy memories together as associates and as friends and he remembers every moment very well.
"You alright, John," Nicole asks John.
"Huh? Me? I'm fine. Why did you asked?"
"You haven't touched your lunch. And I'm finished with mine. And that's quite unusual."
"I guess I was stuck here looking at your pictures."
"Oh, these? Yeah. We were so happy together."
"Yeah. You look real nice."
"I'm gonna miss everything."
"I'm gonna miss you."
"..."
"..."
After what she heard, Nicole stared and wondered at John, while he continues to focus his attention to the pictures he was looking at.
At two in the afternoon, the two returned to their respective offices. John can't seem to concentrate on his work. He kept on finding himself stuck in the moment, staring blankly at his office wall. He opens his right drawer and looks at the picture of him and Nicole. On the other hand, Nicole had already placed most of her stuff at their respective boxes. The only thing left to stash away was her pictures; most of it includes John with her. As she places them one-by-one on a box, she stares at them and wonders what he really feels for her.
Hours passed and the two were stuck in their respective emotional bubbles. John looks at his watch and it read "7:04 PM." He realized that he hasn't finished anything after having lunch with Nicole. And he was two hours way pass his shift. He quickly fixed his stuff and closes his office. As he passes the hallway, he noticed that one room was still lit.
It was Nicole's office.
He peeked inside and didn't see her. He noticed that most of her stuff were already gone. One box remained placed on top of her working table. It has his name on it. He walks to it and looks inside. What he saw inside made him wonder.
Inside were all of Nicole's pictures with him.
He picks one from the box and stares at it. In the picture he sees himself beside her. And the picture had an effect on him as if she was staring back at him. Frozen in that picture was her sweet smile. That same smile that kept him smiling on his own.
"Hey," a voice called John.
John turned around and saw Nicole standing at her office doorway.
"I'm sorry to meddle with your stuff." He quickly returned the picture back inside the box.
"No, it's alright. Actually I was supposed to give those to you but I guess I choose to stash them last. I was planning to leave them at your office door."
"Oh..."
"I didn't know you were still here at the office. You should be already at your home. Didn't you just finish your project this morning? Don't tell me you're working overtime." And she flashed again her sweet smile.
"I guess I just forgot the time. I was about to leave when I noticed your office has its light on. I just drop by to check it out."
"That's it?"
"Huh?"
"You just came by to check on my office lights?"
"Yep. I promise. I really didn't mean to meddle with your stuff."
"You do understand that I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, and that's all you can say?"
"Huh?"
"Aaarrggg! You're hopeless, John!"
"???"
Out of her own frustration, Nicole walks towards John, picks up her box containing all her pictures with him, shoves it to his chest, and turns her back at him.
"After you check out my office lights, could you do me some favor? Turn them off for me, lock the door and jump from the building. You're smart enough to do that, right?" She stormed out of the room while fighting her own tears from falling.
John stood there, clueless. It took him a couple of minutes to comprehend what had just happened. He ran towards the parking lot of their company and saw Nicole driving away in her car.
At past eight in the evening, he was inside the monorail on his way home. He had with him the box that she gave him. He tried to contact her several times on her mobile phone but she was out of network coverage. His phone was shut off. His communication with her was shut off.
He was shut off from her life.
At around 11 in the evening, John can't place himself to sleep. He visualized in his mind the whole day he had with Nicole. He doesn't know if he did something for her to act that way but some part of him felt guilty for reasons beyond his reach. As for Nicole, she can't sleep either. Her eyes won't allow her. They seem to have minds of their own. All they wanted to do were to cry all night.
At around three in the morning, he was still awake, staring blankly at his wall. He remembered the box that she gave him. He opened it and laid its contents on his bed. Dozens of pictures silently screamed her name. As he gazed to all of their pictures he realized one thing. In all those frozen memories, there was one person that remained constant. There was one person who witnessed how Nicole became the person she is right now. There was one person who experienced with her all those happy moments.
He was there with her all along.
For six years that they were together, Nicole had strings of dates but nothing blossomed into any fancy romance. And in those years, he was the constant guy in her life, the closest she had to intimacy for he was always there lending a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. How can he be so blind?
As he lay the last picture on his bed, he noticed a letter at the bottom of the box. He opened it. What he read completely made him blame himself for being so dense, being so naive of his relationship with Nicole.
"John, by the time you're reading this, I'm on my flight to New York. In this box are our pictures. I'm leaving all of them to you. I guess these pictures would be the heaviest baggage I'm suppose to bring with me. I want you to have them. I want you to remember me, John. Please don't forget me. Since the day I've met you, you were always at my side. You never tried to take advantage. At first I found that admirable. But as the years passed, I desperately hoped that just for once, you should have tried to ask me out even for a date, for surely I would say yes. I kept on looking for you in all those guys who courted me but no one was even half of what you are and what you can be. I know I'm making an embarrassment of myself right now. But for you, only in front of you, John, that I'm willing to do this for I still cannot comprehend why you haven't done anything to reach out and take a chance at me. This is the first time I'm gonna be away without you and I'm scared, John. You have been the sole reason why I've stayed all this time in our company. But I guess I cannot continue to hope and wait for the day to come that you would realize how important am I to you. It has been my constant prayer every night for you to feel the same way for me. I love you, John, and not telling you is the one thing I fear the most. I want you to know how much you have shaped me, how much you inspired me. I'll always keep you inside my heart..."
John stopped reading Nicole's letter. He cannot understand further the things written in it for his own tears had already smudged its remaining parts. But he understands now. He also secretly loves her, just like the way she secretly adores him. He was also the sole reason why she never accepted any offers given to him from other companies before, just like she was the same reason why he stayed in their company all this time. It was also his desperate wish for her to notice him more than the bounds of their working and friendly relationship, just like her constant prayer every night for him to feel the same way for her. And it was also his greatest regret of losing her completely, just like her greatest fear of not telling him how important he is to her.
Their identical prayers were already answered. But their greatest fears had also come to life.
At around five in the morning, with tired eyes and a regretful heart, John finally dozed off to sleep.
* * * * *
June 9, 2006. 7:00 AM. John wakes up from the sound of his alarm clock. He used to believe that another day would only mean three things. Work. Work. And work. His life used to revolve on the bounds of his career as a senior project manager in an outsourcing company. Friends used to mean associates. Family used to mean his project team. Success used to mean a completed project way beyond the deadline.
And Love used to mean a promotion.
For someone who used to have a god as his boss and whose faith is his career, he used to lived a meaningless and routine life.
For today, his life's going to mean only one thing: Nicole.
"Oh shit I'm late," he curses himself.
John used to run his life by the letter; thus, it was quite unusual for him to be late. Until now, he hasn't been late nor absent to any of his commitments all his life. He used to do everything in precise timing as he planned. From the moment he wakes up in the morning until the time he closes his eyes at night, he never missed anything in his schedule. This natural phenomenon used to happen every single day of his life. But last night proved to be different from the other nights he had. He wasn't able to sleep at all. All he did all night long was to lie awake and think of everything that supposedly happened yesterday.
Everything changed in just one night. And this morning would also be different from the rest of the mornings of his life.
He wasn't able to prepare his usual warm bath. He just took a cold shower and changed into his clean corporate attire. He almost forgot to prepare his coffee. Black. Without cream or sugar. Just like his life: plain, bitter and dull. As he quickly prepares his coffee, he accidentally spilled it into his polo shirt. So much for his usual morning coffee and clean corporate attire.
At around seven-thirty in the morning, John leaves his house. He knows he should leave earlier for he would definitely be late for work. Traffic in the metropolis is urban hell incarnate. He takes the monorail and in an hour he arrives at his office with more than an hour to catch up.
An hour late of his shift, he arrives at his office. A sentinel stopped him on his way inside his office for he forgot to swipes his identification card at the entrance of their building. Since joining his company several years ago, he used to always arrive first at work without fail. If there was a lifetime award for punctuality and perfect attendance, he would definitely forfeit himself because of this fateful day.
At around nine in the morning, John's workplace is busy humming to the tune of an automated chaos. Cubicles are flooded with employees encoding data and answering phone calls, while offices are filled with project teams deciphering and completing complicated projects. Amidst the confusion, John lost his concentration and cannot stay focus while leading his team in their current project.
"Let's stop here and resume this after lunch break," he tells his team.
"You alright, Sir," one subordinate asks to him.
"Is there something wrong, Sir," another questions him.
"You can return to your respective cubicles now. See you after lunch."
As his team returns to their respective cubicles, John looks at his watch. 10:00 AM. At this moment everyday, his associate, Nicole, used to prepare a coffee and snack in their pantry. He peeked from his office but she was neither near their pantry nor in her office. He wonders what might happen to her. Like him, she's neither absent nor late for work. He still remembers vividly the time where they were still newly hired in the company six years ago. They used to work in the same team. Due to their impressive performance, they have been both promoted as senior project managers in less than three years.
His reminiscing was disrupted by an applause from his officemates. He looks at the hallway and sees Nicole, with their boss, being congratulated by other employees.
"John," Nicole calls him from afar.
"Oh my God," John whispers to himself.
Suddenly, John found himself inside his own twisted daydream. He noticed that he have been in this day before. Nicole was suppose to be on her way to New York and yet she's still in their office, bidding goodbye to everyone. He looks again at his watch. June 9, 2006. He looks at his desk calendar. June 9, 2006. He looks at the oversized calendar at their conference room. June 9, 2006.
It's June 9, 2006 again. John is reliving the day he lost Nicole.
Nicole runs to him and flashes her sweet smile. From the way her eyes twinkle and her smile widens, John could conclude that she's in a state of euphoria. All this time, she still looks mesmerizing, still taking his breath away every time he sees her. At five foot and five inches and armed with those Chinese eyes, fair complexion and slim figure, she is the most beautiful girl John has ever seen. He even knows that every guy in their company, even his boss, wants to date her.
"I got our dream job, John," she frantically told him.
"The New York offer?" he asked.
"Yes! Aren't you happy for me?"
"Whoa? I'm ecstatic. Congratulations..."
Unexpectedly, before John could finish his sentence, Nicole hugged him innocently. For the second time since they've met, that was the closest place he ever stood from her. In between her arms.
During that very moment, his was completely sure of one thing. Despite feeling her happiness, he cannot be possibly be happy with the fact that she's leaving him. He shared with her something they both dream of since starting in the company: that illustrious offer in New York. And yet that dream had suddenly become irrelevant. Whether he was more deserving of that job, he won't exchange his life with Nicole for anything else in this world. A lot of people may find him weird, if not introvert, but no one doesn't need to be a science geek or some circus freak to understand why he's treating her importantly right now.
He had already experienced losing her. And he won't let that happen again.
"I'm hungry," Nicole told John.
"So where do you want to order our lunch?"
"The usual."
"Grilled tuna in lemon sauce, fresh salad and red iced tea?" He remembers her favorite food in an instant, just like he remembers everything about her.
"You know me too well, John," she replied with a smile.
"Damn. This had happened already..." he whispered to himself.
"You were saying something?"
"Oh. Let's try something different. Let's eat outside. My treat."
"Really? Sure! I'll just get my bag. Wait for me at the elevator."
As Nicole runs to her office, John shakes his head. He didn't planned to have lunch with her. He should be ordering lunch and having it delivered straight to his office, just like he did yesterday, or for the past six years. But some part of him felt he meant what he just did.
Everything that happened yesterday is repeating itself, with the exception of John. He seems to have woke up from the wrong side of his bed. Deliberately or unintentionally, he's been acting quite opposite of himself.
Inside the elevator, the two stood as they wait to reach the ground floor. Both of them felt the tension rising between them but neither did anything about it. In John's mind, he was contemplating whether to stop Nicole from leaving while in Nicole's mind, she was deciding whether to ask John what he really feels about her. But neither acted in time for the elevator door had opened before they can do anything.
For the first time in six years, Nicole won't be eating grilled tuna in lemon sauce with fresh salad and red iced tea for lunch, while John won't be having roasted chicken breast with steamed vegetables and coffee crush shake. And they won't be having their lunch at Nicole's office.
But still, this lunch maybe their last one together.
Inside Nicole's car, they sat there motionless, hesitating to break the invisible barrier between them. Nicole started to feel frustrated, that same frustration on John she had kept for the past six years. Nevertheless, she's still happy that he asked her out for the first and last time, and she would do anything to make this a memorable one, even having to break his silence for the nth time.
"Where to," Nicole asked John.
"Uhmmm... do you have any particular place in mind?"
>SIGH...<
"..."
"Alright. I got the place."
While having their lunch in a Japanese restaurant nearby, John can't help but to look at Nicole. He's in front of the girl he adores all this time. This had not happened yesterday and yet somehow, he had made it happen. If given the choice, he would freeze this moment just like a photograph and relive it over and over.
He was trying to remember everything that occurred yesterday, and he was trying to change everything right now. If his theory is correct, he was given another chance to redeem himself. He was given another chance to be with Nicole. He was given another chance to make her feel how much she means to him. He was given another chance to change his own destiny.
"You alright, John," Nicole asks John.
"Huh? Me? I'm fine. Why did you asked?"
"You haven't touched your lunch. And I'm finished with mine. And that's quite unusual."
"I guess I was stuck here looking at you."
"Oh..."
Nicole can't help but to blush while John smiled at him sincerely.
"Yeah. You look real nice."
"Nice?"
"You look beautiful, Nicole."
"Stop."
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
"..."
"I'm gonna miss everything."
"I'm gonna miss you."
"..."
"..."
After what she heard, Nicole stared and wondered at John, while he continues to focus his attention at her.
At two in the afternoon, they were suppose to returned to their office. But John can't let this moment end right now. Instead he convinced her to go with him in a nearby park and talked about all their happy memories together. From the time they met, to the time they were having problems with their projects, to the time they got promoted as senior project managers, up to the time Nicole decided to go to New York.
The afternoon sun is scorching high and yet they were concentrated with each other's stories under a shade of a tree in the middle of the park. They kept on finding themselves stuck in the moment, staring at each other then turning their backs in embarrassment as they smiled at themselves. Nicole opens her bag and looks at a picture of her and John. On the other hand, John continues to enjoy every moment that was happening right now. The only thing left to say were his true feelings for her, most of it includes not letting her go. As he search for his own courage, he stares at her and wonders what she really feels for him.
Hours passed and the two were stuck in each other's warm presence. John looks at his watch and it reads "7:04 PM." He realized that he hasn't finished anything after having lunch with Nicole. And he was two hours way pass his shift. As for Nicole, she still has her stuff in her office to bring home. They quickly fixed themselves and returned to their office. As they reached their office, John remembered what had supposedly happened next. They were on their way to where he would lose her.
They were on their way to Nicole's office.
He peeked inside and looked at her as she hurriedly fixes her stuff. He noticed that most of her stuff were already gone. One box remained placed on top of her working table. It has his name on it. He walks to it and looks inside. What he saw inside made him let go some of his tears.
Inside were all of Nicole's pictures with him.
He picks one from the box and stares at it. In the picture he sees himself beside her. And the picture had an effect on him as if she was staring back at him. Frozen in that picture was her sweet smile. That same smile that kept him smiling on his own.
"Hey," a voice called John.
John turned around and saw Nicole standing at her office doorway.
"I'm sorry to meddle with your stuff." He quickly returned the picture back inside the box.
"No, it's alright. Actually I was suppose to give those to you but I guess I choose to stash them last. I was planning to leave them at your office door."
"Oh..."
"Are you crying, John?"
Time froze as the two stood in front of each other. John realized that whatever he does, he found it impossible to change the course of his fate. Yesterday is reliving itself and he can't stop it from happening again. He was given a desperate chance; a day to change everything and yet he knows that he cannot defy his fate with that very limited time. Nicole would be giving him all their pictures and she would be bidding him goodbye. And there was nothing he can do about it but to give in to his own tears.
As for Nicole, she looks at the guy she had adored for the past six year as he cries in front of her. She wanted to believe that those tears were for her. She wanted to hear him tell her how much important is she to him. She wanted to see him stop her from leaving. She wanted this moment to last forever.
But all she got was his tears, no more, no less. And she never heard the things she wished to hear.
"That's it?"
"Huh?"
"Don't you have anything to say, John?"
"Ahhh... I'm gonna miss you, Nicole."
"You do understand that I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, and that's all you can say?"
"Huh?"
"Aaarrggg! You're hopeless, John!"
"???"
Out of her own frustration, Nicole walks towards John, picks up her box containing all her pictures with him, shoves it to his chest, and turns her back at him.
"After you're done crying there for no apparent reason, could you do me some favor? Turn the lights off for me, lock the door and jump from the building. You're smart enough to do that, right?" She stormed out of the room while fighting her own tears from falling.
John grabbed Nicole's arm and he accidentally drops the box she gave to him. The box fell on the floor and its lid opened. All its contents scattered; their pictures flew to different directions. Nicole tried her best to hide her own tears, while John surrendered to his own. Slowly, he pulls her towards him and embraced her from behind. Finally, he said the words that could change his fate, and that would answer her desperate prayers.
"Please don't leave, Nicole."
"Damn you, John. How can you be so blind?"
"I'm really sorry."
"I've been waiting for you for six years, six long years, John. And all you can say is sorry?"
"I'm not really good at these, Nicole. I'm really scared all these time."
"I just don't know. I'm leaving tomorrow. You do know how much New York means to me."
"I know. That's why I somehow think stopping you from leaving would be such a selfish act."
"God, John. For once, could you just stop thinking with your mind and start feeling with your heart..."
Before Nicole could finish her sentence, John turned and looked at her straight to the eye. Under the haziness of his own tears, he desperately mustered all the courage he could build just to find the right words to say to her. This was the perfect moment for him to tell her how much he had loved her all this time. But he just felt I couldn't do it, and he succumbed to his fear of being rejected.
John had lost his right moment. And he may lose completely the right girl she truly loves.
It took them a couple of minutes to comprehend that everything is hopeless and neither of them would give up. Out of her grave frustration, Nicole suddenly pushed John away, and picked up all the pictures that were scattered on the floor. She placed them in the box, brought them with her as she ran towards the parking lot of their company, and drove away in her car. John remained inside her office, standing clueless.
At past eight in the evening, Nicole was inside her car on her way home. She had with her the box that she was suppose to give to John. She just ignored all of his calls to her mobile phone several times until she decided to forget him completely. She had shut off her phone. She had shut off all communications with him.
She had shut him off her life.
At around 11 in the evening, Nicole can't place herself to sleep. She visualized in her mind the whole day she had with John. She doesn't know if she should just forget everything that she had built in her career and just follow her heart for once. Her eyes won't allow her to sleep. They seem to have minds of their own. All they wanted to do were to cry all night. As for John, he can't sleep either. His heart won't allow him. It knows there is still enough time. There is still hope for them.
At around three in the morning, she was still awake, staring blankly at her wall. She remembered the box that she was supposed to give him. She opened it and laid its contents on her bed. Dozens of pictures silently screamed his name. As she gazed to all of their pictures she painfully felt one thing. In all those frozen memories, there was one person that remained constant. There was one person who witnessed how she became the person she is right now. There was one person who experienced with her all those happy moments.
John was there with her all along.
For six years that they were together, Nicole had strings of dates but nothing blossomed into any fancy romance. And in those years, John was the constant guy in her life, the closest she had to intimacy for he was always there lending a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. How can he be so blind?
As she laid the last picture on his bed, she heard her name being called from outside her house. She went out and what she saw made her completely forget New York.
Outside was John, still in his unclean corporate attire stained with his morning coffee, and speaking his heart's content.
"Nicole, before you say anything or call the cops, let me speak just once. Inside my heart are my feelings for you. I know you'll be leaving for New York tomorrow but I guess these feelings would be the heaviest baggage I'm gonna give to you. I want you to hear them. I want you to remember me, Nicole. Please don't forget me. Since the day I've met you, you were the greatest thing that happened in my monotonous, boring life. I tried so hard to stop myself from falling from you. At first I thought it would be easy. But as the years passed, I desperately hoped that just for once, I should have found the courage to ask you out even for a date, just to know what it feels like making you feel how I really feel. I keep on hating myself every time I see you date other guys for I know no one knows you like I do or loves you like I do. I know I'm making an embarrassment of myself right now. But for you, only in front of you, Nicole, that I'm willing to do this for I still cannot comprehend why I haven't done anything to reach out and take a chance at you. Maybe I was insecure. But now that you're going to be away without me, that scares me the most. You have been the sole reason why I've stayed all this time in our company. But I guess I cannot go on wondering what might have been if you knew how important you are to me. I just have to tell it to you, Nicole, and that moment is now. It has been my constant prayer every night for you to feel the same way for me. I love you, Nicole, and not telling you that is the one thing I fear the most. I want you to know how much you have shaped me, how much you inspired me. I'll always keep you inside my heart..."
Before John could finish his speech, Nicole kissed him as they finally let go of all their emotions and shared each other's tears of happiness. She understands now. She secretly loves him, just like the way he secretly adores her. She was also the sole reason why he never accepted any offers given to him from other companies, just like he was the same reason why she stayed in their company all this time. It was also her desperate wish for him to notice her more than the bounds of their working and friendly relationship, just like his constant prayer every night for her to feel the same way for him. And it was also her greatest regret of losing him completely; just like his greatest fear of not telling her how important she is to him.
Their identical prayers were already answered. And they have overcome their greatest fears.
At around five in the morning, with joyous eyes and blissful hearts, John and Nicole finally dozed off to sleep.
* * * * *
June 9, 2006. 5:30 AM. Nicole wakes up from the sound of her alarm clock. For her, another day would only mean three things. John. John. And John. Her life exists beyond the bounds of her career as a senior project manager in an outsourcing company. Friends would mean associates. Family would mean his project team. Success would mean a completed project way beyond the deadline.
But Love would only mean John.
For someone who dreams of a prince charming and believes in happy endings, she lives an idealistic and positive life.
Nicole runs her life by her own beliefs. She never forgets to thank God for every blessing she receives. She loves what she does for a living and she enjoys every minute of it. From the moment she wakes up in the morning until the time she closes her eyes at night, she never misses a prayer. This natural phenomenon happens every single day of her life. But last night proved to be different from the other nights she had. She wasn't able to sleep at all. All she did all night long was to lie awake and think of everything that supposedly happened yesterday.
After taking a warm bath and changing into her clean corporate attire, she prepares her breakfast. Tuna with toast and orange juice. Just like her life: healthy, sweet, and delicious. It charges her everyday without fail. Since childhood she firmly believes that breakfast is the most important meal of the day for it provides the necessary energy to start a busy day.
At exactly six in the morning, Nicole leaves for work. She knows she should leave at this exact time for the latter she leaves his house, the greater chance that she would be late for work. Traffic in the metropolis is urban hell incarnate. She takes her car and in an hour she arrives at her office just in time.
As she parks her car and walks her way to their office, a sentinel greets her as she swipes her identification card at the entrance of their building. Since joining her company several years ago, she always arrives right on time without fail. If there was a lifetime award for punctuality and perfect attendance, she could be a great contender.
At around eight in the morning, Nicole's workplace starts to hum to the tune of an automated chaos. Cubicles are flooded with employees encoding data and answering phone calls, while offices are filled with project teams deciphering and completing complicated projects. Amidst the confusion, She stands focus and undisturbed, leading her team to another successful project.
"Well done, team," she tells his team.
"It's great to be with you, Ma'am," one subordinate replies to her.
"We'll going to miss you, Ma'am," another flatters her.
"You can return to your respective cubicles now. Good luck with your careers."
As her team returns to their respective cubicles, Nicole looks at his watch. 10:00 AM. At this moment everyday, she takes a break and prepares a coffee and snack in their pantry. She looks from afar John's office. She wonders what might he be doing. Like her, he's neither absent nor late for work. She still remembers vividly the time where they were still newly hired in the company six years ago. They used to work in the same team. Due to their impressive performance, they have been both promoted as senior project managers in less than three years.
Her reminiscing was disrupted by an applause from her officemates. She looks at the hallway and sees John, with their boss, being congratulated by other employees.
"Nicole," John calls her from afar.
John runs to her and flashes his sweet smile. From the way his eyes twinkle and his smile widens, Nicole could see that he's in a state of euphoria. All this time, he still looks superb, still taking her breath away every time she sees him. At five foot and nine inches and armed with those deep-set eyes, dark complexion and well-toned body, he is the most handsome guy Nicole has ever met. He even knows that every girl in their company, even her best friend, wants to date him.
"I can't believe you, Nicole," he frantically told her.
"Huh? Why?" she asked.
"Someone's finally going to New York!"
"Whoa? Really? Who..."
Unexpectedly, before Nicole could finish her sentence, John hugged her innocently. For the first time since they've met, that was the closest place she ever stood from him. In between his arms.
During that very moment, her mind was torn into two. She was happy that she declined that offer in New York, just to be with John. She felt her body absorbing his joy. She shared with him something they both dream of since starting in the company: that illustrious offer in New York. And yet the other part of her felt a certain fear. What if John took the offer that she had just declined? She knows he was more deserving of that job. Skill-wise, he was far more competent that her. And many people only see her as a beautiful face. Rumors have even spread that she might be sleeping with their boss. And only John was the one who never treated her like some pin-up girl or some corporate slut.
"I'm hungry," John told Nicole.
"So where do you want to order our lunch?"
"The usual."
"Roasted chicken breast with steamed vegetables and coffee crush shake?" She remembers her favorite food in an instant, just like he remembers everything about her.
"You know me too well, Nicole," he replied with a smile.
"So who's going to New York?"
"I don't know. Boss is quite busy right now looking for your replacement for New York while I just finished my 50th successful project. Don't look at me like that coz I don't have any plans of leaving here."
"Oh really?"
"Yep. I just want to have lunch with you every single day of my life."
"Nice one, John."
"I just want to spend my days with you, Nicole. And I want you to know that."
"..."
As Nicole's face brightens up, John reaches out and held her hand for the very first time. They smiled at each other as they went back to Nicole's office to wait for their lunch.
-30-
"Kay tagal kitang hinintay, Paolo."
"Mahal na mahal kita, Stella."
Punung-puno ng pag-ibig ang isang kwarto ng isang bahay sa Cebu. Ang mga halik ng dalawang makasalanan ay lalong nagpapaalab sa mainit na tanghali ng Mayo. Tila walang katapusan ang kanilang mga nakaw na sandali.
Damang-dama ni Paolo ang bawat halik at bawat yakap na kanilang pinagsasaluhan. Tunay ngang napakaganda ni Stella. Mahaba ang buhok, maganda ang hubog ng katawan at makinis ang kutis. Kahit mahigit pa sa doble ng kanyang edad ang kay Stella ay walang kupas parin ang angkin nitong kagandahan kung kaya't hindi niya mapigilan ang sariling manggigil dito.
Sa banyo. Sa kama. Sa sahig. Sa mesa. Ang apat na sulok ng kanilang kwarto ay naging saksi sa pag-iisa ng kanilang mga katawan at kaluluwa. Malayang naglakbay sa kawalan ang mga ungol ng kamunduhan.
Muli silang pinagtagpo ng tadhana.
* * * * *
Para kay Paolo, ang buhay niya ay isang mahaba't matagal na paghihintay. Pakiramdam niya'y laging may kulang sa kanyang buhay. Pilit niya itong inaalam at pilit na ring hinahanap. Mayroong isang taong maaaring makapuno sa kanyang kakulangan.
Para sa kanya, ang taong iyon ay si Stella.
Lumaki si Paolo sa Maynila sa piling ng kanyang mga magulang. Dahil nag-iisang anak lamang, binusog siya ng mga ito ng pagmamahal. Ni minsan ay hindi nagkulang ang mga ito sa kanya. Palibhasa'y pinalaki sa layaw, hindi niya makuhang makuntento sa lahat ng mga biyayang kanyang natatanggap. Kahit anong kanyang gawin ay naroon parin ang kakulangan at kalungkutan sa kanyang buhay.
Nagbago ang lahat nang nakilala nya si Stella.
Sa simula, inakala ni Paolo na kagaya lang ng ibang kamag-anak si Stella, mapagmahal at maalaga. Kung kaya't nang dinalaw ng kanyang pamilya ito sa unang pagkakataon ay nakagaanan na niya ito ng loob. Ngunit nagtaka siya nang mapansin niyang sa edad na 37 ay napakaganda parin nito. Malayong maganda ito sa mga babaeng kalahati ng edad nito. Ang mas nakakapagtaka ay sa gitna ng angkin nitong kariktan ay wala parin itong asawa. Inakala pa niya na maaaring byuda na ito.
"Magandang umaga. Kamusta na Stella," bati ng ina ni Paolo kay Stella.
"Ito na ba si Paolo," tanong ni Stella sa ina ni Paolo.
"O Paolo, halika nga at magbigay-galang ka sa Tita Stella mo."
"Magandang umaga po."
Sabay abot sa kamay ni Stella para makapagmano.
"Hindi pa ako ganun katanda para ka magmano sa akin ha. Halika nga't nang mayakap kita."
Sa unang pagkakataong naglapit ang kanilang mga katawan, hindi maipaliwanag ni Paolo ang kanyang naramdaman. Tila siya nakuryente nang nagkadikit ang kanilang mga dibdib. Ang halimuyak ni Stella ay isa sa pinakamabangong bagay na kanyang nalanghap sa buong buhay niya. Iba ang dating nito sa kanya. Iba ang kanyang mga tingin. Iba ang angkin nitong ganda. Nang magtagal, napansin niyang tunay na kakaiba ito. Hindi pala ito kagaya ng iba niyang mga tiyahin. Dahil sa kanya lang siya nakaramdam ng isang bagay na alam niyang hindi niya dapat maramdaman.
Libog.
Sa halip na magsisi, naisip ni Paolo na maaaring ito na ang kanyang hinahanap. Maaaring na kay Stella ang mga kasagutan sa lahat ng kanyang mga katanungan.
Maaaring sila ay nakatadhana.
* * * * *
Habang tumatagal, lalong lumalalim ang pagnanasa ni Paolo kay Stella. Hindi niya talaga maipaliwanang ngunit sa halip na pigilan niya ang kanyang sarili ay lalo siyang nanggigigil na matikman ito. Hindi na niya inalintana ang tama sa mali. Wala na siyang pakialam kung doble pa ito sa kanyang edad. Wala na siyang pakialam kung tiyahin pa niya ito. Wala na siyang pakialam kung kasalanan sa Diyos ang kanyang pinag-iisip. Ang tanging nasa isip niya ay ang kanyang maamong mukha, makinis na kutis, mahabang buhok, at kagandahang walang tigil na nagpapainit sa kanyang pagkatao.
Buong buhay niya, wala pang bagay na ninais si Paolo na hindi niya nakuha. At si Stella ay hindi magiging unang bagay na hindi niya maaangkin.
Isang hapon nang naiwan si Paolo sa bahay kasama si Stella, nabuo sa kanyang isipan na isakatuparan ang kanyang maitim na balak. Nagtungong bayan ang kanyang mga magulang habang si Stella ay nagpaiwan dahil masama ang pakiramdam nito. Nagdahilan na lamang siya na samahan ang tiyahin.
Sa loob ng kwarto ni Stella, kanya itong pinagmamasdan habang ito ay mahimbing na natutulog. Tanging ang manipis na daster nito ang pumapagitan sa kanya at sa kalangitang kanyang inaasam. Sa kanyang kinatatayuan ay malinaw niyang naaaninag ang mga tago nitong yaman: mga malulusog na dibdib, mapuputing hita, at langit sa ilalim ng manipis na bulbol. Hindi na niya mapigilan ang sarili mula sa libog na kanyang nadarama.
"Tita Stella," bulong ni Paolo kay Stella sabay halik dito.
"Hmp... Paolo?!"
"Shhhhh..."
"Anong ginagawa mo dito?!"
Biglang dumagan si Paolo kay Stella at hinawakan niya ang mga kamay nito. Pinipilit ni Stella na kumalas mula mga bisig nito. Ngunit lalo siyang siniil ng halik nito.
"Tama na Paolo, pls..."
"Nakakalibog kayo, Tita."
Unti-unting niyuyurakan ni Paolo ang pagkababae ni Stella. Mula sa mga labi ay nagtungo na sa leeg ang kanyang mga halik. Gumapang na ang kanyang isang kamay sa dibdib nito.
Alam ni Stella na tahasan na siyang binabastos ni Paolo. Ngunit hindi rin niya maipagkakaila na merong parte ng kanyang pagkatao na nagugustuhan ang mga pangyayari. Pinipilit niyang gisingin ang sarili mula sa kahibangang iyon habang pinipilit rin niyang magalit ng lubusan dito. Sa huli, hindi rin siya nagtagumpay dahil muli nanamang nanaig ang isang bagay na kanyang pilit tinatakasan sa buong buhay niya.
Libog.
Mula sa kanyang pagkakahiga, tila nawala na sa tamang pag-iisip si Stella. Tuluyan nang nagpaubaya ito kay Paolo. Muling bumalik sa kanyang mga alaala ang mga multo ng kanyang nakaraan. May mga luhang namuo sa kanyang mga mata. Sa isip niya, dumating na rin ang araw ng kanyang kaparusahan. At si Paolo ang nararapat na kabayaran sa kanyang mga kasalanan.
"Kay tagal kitang hinintay, Paolo."
"Mahal na mahal kita, Stella."
Punung-puno ng pag-ibig ang isang kwarto ng isang bahay sa Cebu. Ang mga halik ng dalawang makasalanan ay lalong nagpapaalab sa mainit na tanghali ng Mayo. Tila walang katapusan ang kanilang mga nakaw na sandali.
Damang-dama ni Paolo ang bawat halik at bawat yakap na kanilang pinagsasaluhan. Tunay ngang napakaganda ni Stella. Mahaba ang buhok, maganda ang hubog ng katawan at makinis ang kutis. Kahit mahigit pa sa doble ng kanyang edad ang kay Stella ay walang kupas parin ang angkin nitong kagandahan. Dahil dito ay hindi niya mapigilan ang kanyang sariling manggigil dito.
Sa banyo. Sa kama. Sa sahig. Sa mesa. Ang apat na sulok ng kanilang kwarto ay naging saksi sa pag-iisa ng kanilang mga katawan at kaluluwa. Malayang naglakbay sa kawalan ang mga ungol ng kamunduhan.
Muli silang pinagtagpo ng tadhana.
Ngunit ang hindi niya alam, iba pala ang nakatadhana.
* * * * *
Minsan talaga, masakit magbiro ang tadhana. Ang isang bagay na buong buhay mong hinahanap at hinihintay ay maaaring ipatikim lamang sa iyo sa isang kisapmata. Ngunit di naman kaya kalabisan na kung ang tanging bagay na makakabuo sa iyong pagkatao ay siya ring sisira dito?
Pagkatapos ng nangyari sa kanilang dalawa, biglang naglaho si Stella. Ang hindi alam ni Paolo, iyon na ang huli nilang pagkikita.
Naguguluhan pa rin si Paolo. Sa sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari, hindi niya kaya itong paniwalaan. Hindi niya lubos maintindihan kung gaano kalaking kasalanang kanyang nagawa. Pinagtaksilan nanaman sila ng tadhanang nagbuklod sa kanila.
Nagsimula na ang unos. Ngunit hindi nya iiwan si Stella. Hawak niya sa kanyang mga kamay ang sulat na habilin sa kanya nito. Pinilit niyang muling basahin at unawain ang katotohanan sa gitna ng malakas na ulan at mahapding mga luha.
"...kasalanan ko ang lahat..."
"...hindi mo alam ang iyong ginagawa..."
"...hindi ko napigilan ang aking sarili..."
"...wala kang kasalanan..."
"...patawarin mo ako..."
"...mahal na mahal kita..."
"...paalam."
Pinatay ng tadhana si Stella. Pinatay ng tadhana ang ugnayang nabuo sa kanilang dalawa. Pinatay ng tadhana ang mga kasagutan sa kanyang mga katanungan. Para na ring pinatay ng tadhana si Paolo.
Nakatayo pa rin si Paolo sa gitna ng unos. Nagtatanong. Bakit si Stella pa? Kasabay ng malakas na ulan ay ang pag-agos ng mga alaala ng babaeng kanyang hinanap at hinintay buong buhay niya. Napakahirap ibaon sa limot ang kanyang mga mapupulang labi, ang kanyang mga masasarap na halik, ang kanyang mga maiinit na yakap, at ang kanyang pag-ibig na walang kapantay.
Minsan na silang naging isa, at ngayo'y muli silang pinaghiwalay.
Minsan lamang naintindihan ni Paolo ang pag-ibig na kanyang hinahanap. Minsan na rin niyang naramdaman ang pagmamahal na ipinagkait sa kanya.
Ang buhay niya ay isang mahabang paghahanap at paghihintay. Iyon ay ang paghahanap sa pagmamahal na kailanman ay hindi niya naramdaman mula sa isang tunay na pamilya at paghihintay sa taong makapagpupuno sa puso niyang tigang sa pagmamahal.
Nahanap na niya si Stella. Naramdaman niya kay Stella ang pagmamahal na kanyang hinahanap.
Basang-basa na sa ulan si Paolo. Kaharap niya ang puntod ng babaeng nagmulat sa kanya sa kamunduhan at nagbigay sa kanya ng pagmamahal na hindi niya naramdaman sa kanyang ama o ina.
Kaharap niya ang puntod ni Stella. Kaharap niya puntod ng kanyang tunay na ina.
-30-
In a peaceful Saturday evening, two lovers celebrate their sixth-year anniversary. Mark and Rachael are soul mates; they knew that from the moment they met each other seven years ago. And being high school sweethearts, they grow fondly of each other as the years strengthen their relationship. Now that both of them are graduating in college this March, Mark thought that it's time for them to bring their love to the next level.
Tonight was not only their anniversary. It was also Rachael's 21's birthday. And Mark has with him the perfect gift for this very special occasion.
Mark is going to propose to Rachael.
"Did you like dinner, Baby," Mark asked.
"Yes, and thank you very much," Rachael replied.
"It's been seven years since we've met in high school."
"And six years of being happily together."
"Are you really happy with me?"
"Are you?"
"Yes I am."
"Me too."
The streets are now deserted. The two lovers strolled with the stars watching them from the heavens. As they cross the street, Mark knew it is time. He held the ring that he bought in his pocket with one hand and held Rachael's hand with the other. He stopped walking in the middle of the street and she looked at him in awe.
"Baby, close your eyes."
"What?"
"I got a surprise for you."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. I still haven't given my anniversary present for you."
"I thought it was already the great dinner."
"The dinner was for your birthday. I still have my anniversary gift for you."
This was the perfect moment Mark was waiting. He knows deep in his heart that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Rachael. As she closed her eyes, he took the ring from his pocket and looked at the stars. He could not asked anything more in his life right now for all he ever wanted was the girl right in front of him. He even whispered a short prayer of gratitude to the heavens.
"Open your eyes," Mark whispered.
"..."
"Happy anniversary, Baby."
"..."
"Baby, there hasn't been any woman in my life who had touched my soul like you do. I love you so much and I intend to continue loving you 'til the day I die. Will you marry me?"
"Oh Mark. I love you too," Rachael answered in joyous tears.
It is written in the stars, they are destined to be together.
But sometimes Fate has a bizarre sense of humor.
As the two lovers hugged each other in celebration, Rachael accidentally dropped the ring and it fell and rolled onto the pavement. She quickly ran to pick it up when a car came from nowhere and hit her, broke her body, and killed her instantly. Mark saw everything. There was nothing he was able to do for he froze and stood there, as the girl he adores died right in front of his very eyes.
* * * * *
A year has passed since Mark lost Rachael in a car accident. For him, she wasn't the only one who died that night. She brought with her to the grave all the love and dreams they have shared. With her death, his life ceased to exist.
There wasn't a day where in Mark didn't visited Rachael's grave. He always brings there a kite that they used to fly there, for every time he steered it to the sky, he calls to her from the heaven. With its string he feels her loving presence. And he'll continue to hold onto that string for he cannot find himself letting her go from his heart. He kept on living on the delusion that she's still with him. And that delusion was his most desperate prayer.
He didn't know that his desperate prayer is going to be answered in the most surreal way.
Like a dying candle, Mark let his own depression eat away his life, succumbing to the false comfort of alcohol. He started to live his life in drunken pity. He even contemplated on following Rachael to the grave.
Mark has become suicidal.
Wasted from another drinking session, he decided to pass by the street where he lost Rachael. He remembered his life with her. He also remembered how happy they were, and how they planned to spend their lives together.
He decided to fulfill that plan. He shall be with Rachael no matter what happens.
Seeing from afar headlights of another car, Mark stepped on the accelerator, placing it into full throttle and drove straight to his target in a charging madness. Tears started to fall as everything happened on that fateful night flashed vividly in his mind.
Soon, he will be with her once again.
Only a few feet away from his target, he saw someone that made him step on the brakes of his car.
He saw Rachael.
Within a split of a second, Mark steered his car away from Rachael while in full speed. And everything was followed by a deafening crash.
* * * * *
"Mark..."
"It's not yet time..."
"Never let go..."
"I'll be waiting for you..."
"Wake up..."
Mark slowly opened his eyes. The lights were blurring his vision. But his hearing was perfectly fine. He heard a familiar voice that woke him from his deep slumber. And he tried to see where was the voice coming from.
"Rachael," he called.
"Hello," a voice answered.
Coming back to his senses, Mark realized that he was in a hospital room. He also realized that parts of his body were aching. He touched his forehead and felt bandages covering it.
"Are you alright," a voice asked him.
Beside his bed, he didn't saw Rachael but a girl less than half his age was staring at him.
"Where am I," he asked.
"You're in the hospital," the girl answered.
"What am I doing here?"
"You got a nasty wound right on your forehead, I guess."
"Oh..."
"Does it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"And who are you?"
"..."
The little girl smiled at him and told her name.
"I'm Rachael."
Mark can't help but to stare at her while she smiled in return.
Mark recovered from the accident. He then found out that young Rachael was the one who saved her from the accident. She was the one whom he saw in the middle of the street. She was the one who prevented him from crashing into another car, which could have ensured his own death.
Realizing that she shares the same name with the girl he loves, he found the situation quite confusing. He knew for himself that he saw his Rachael that night. She was supposedly the one who save him from crashing into his own demise. And yet he's confronted with another "Rachael" that supposedly rescued him from his mishap.
In his search for explanations to his ordeal, questions arose from other questions. Mark intends to know the truth. He spends most of his time with young Rachael, trying to unravel the mystery behind her. But the more he does, the more he's faced with the bitter truth of Rachael's death.
Mark found himself slowly drawn to young Rachael. He cannot understand what he feels every time he's with her. He knows clearly that she's not the girl he loves and yet something draws him to be with her as if he's heart longs her presence. He noticed that she shares almost all characteristics with the Rachael he knew and loved. Every look, every word, and every move she does silently screams of his late, beloved one. It made things more confusing for him.
He was in a surreal dream, with the fate playing a nasty joke on his heart and senses. He once again relived Rachael in his heart while young Rachael by his side. His love for her started to twist his own reality by feeling emotionally attached to a girl half his age.
* * * * *
One afternoon, Mark met young Rachael after her class.
"Who is that guy walking towards us, Rachael," her friend asked.
"Mark," Rachael answered.
"Is he the one who you saved from the accident?"
"Yep."
"He's cute," another friend asked with a curious smile.
"I dunno," she answered with a blush.
"You're blushing Rachael!"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are!"
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"Shut up!"
"You're blushing again!"
"No I'm not."
"You're going on a date, ain't ya?"
"I'm not. Would you please shut up!"
When Mark came, the girls giggled and looked at him with curious eyes.
"Shall we," Matt asked young Rachael.
"You're right. He's hot. And he got cute dimples to go with those cute eyes," Rachael's friend said.
"Shhhh! Will you shut up," Rachael replied.
"Introduce us to your boyfriend," her friend whispered.
"Shut up he's not my boyfriend."
"Hi Mark! We're Rachael's friends," the girls spoke in chorus.
"Nice to meet you girls."
And they all giggled as the two went their way.
After treating young Rachael to an ice cream parlor, Mark noticed how tired he was from unraveling the mystery behind the two Rachaels. He also noticed how his life ceased to continue with Rachael's death. He realized that he still have his life to live and dreams to rebuild. With young Rachael by his side, he had somehow found a new inspiration to live. He even believed that she is lucky to still have that innocence that still protects her from suffering due to a lost love.
He realized that he was greatly thankful to her, not only because she saved him from Death but also from a life that was stuck in a moment. It was time for him to fully accept hid reality. It was time to stop figuring out why Rachael has to die and leave him. It was time for him to stop watching his emotional television with their love story playing over and over again. It was time to throw away all the old memories with her, good or bad, so that he could make new ones. It was time for him to stop living who he was and start living who he is.
After all, there was a time where he existed without Rachael, the time before they met. He just has to do the same, exist, now that she's gone forever.
* * * * *
"Where are we," young Rachael asked.
"The cemetery," Mark replied.
"This place gives me the creeps."
"Don't worry. I won't leave your side."
Mark held Rachael's hand and they exchange smiles.
"What are we doing here?"
"We're just visiting an old friend."
"Is she the one buried there?"
"Yep."
Trying to wake himself up from his surreal dream, Mark brought young Rachael in front of Rachael's grave. As he looks at Rachael's grave while holding young Rachael's hand, he slowly let reality sink to him. One tear escaped his eyes and he tried very hard to smile. The solitude of the cemetery created such grieving atmosphere, with the afternoon wind caressing the trees as if they were mourning with him. There was nothing he could further do but to whisper a prayer to his late beloved one.
"Have you ever flown a kite," Mark asked young Rachael.
"Not yet."
"I'll show you."
Mark brought out a kite from his bag. Tears started to form at the corner of his eyes as he assembled it in front of young Rachael. As his kite flew high in the sky, he let young Rachael hold onto its string. He guided her in navigating it through the afternoon wind. He remembered vividly the first time he flew that kite with Rachael. Every moment they flew that same kite was his happiest moments for it represented their love for each other. As they steered it through the rough winds, they held on to its string as it reaches for the sky. Just like their love for each other, no wind can take away their kite for they continue to hold onto its string as they hold on to each other's heart forever.
In the solitude of the cemetery, Mark flew his kite for the last time. And maybe it's also time for him to let go of the string that bind him to Rachael. It's time for him to finally bid her goodbye.
As he almost let go of his kite, young Rachael asked him one question that caught him off-guard.
"Do you still love her?"
"What?"
"I said do you still love her?"
"..."
"You shouldn't be sad."
"I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"And why shouldn't I be sad?"
"She still loves you."
"Pardon?"
"..."
"What did you said?"
"..."
"..."
"Never let go of that kite, Mark."
"What?"
"Never let go of me."
"What did you said?"
"I still love you Mark, and I'll always will."
Mark stood breathless by what he just heard. He turned and looked at the person beside her, the one whose hand he was holding. Instead of seeing young Rachael, he saw the one person he was trying to say goodbye to.
He saw Rachael.
For several minutes, he just stood there blankly in front of her. And finally he was able to bring himself back to consciousness.
"Am I dreaming," Mark whispered.
"I've been waiting for you, Mark," Rachael answered.
"I've missed you so much."
Mark embraced Rachael with no intentions of losing her again. Just like their kite, he has no intentions of let go if it to the sky. His tears flowed once again, as he felt happy and alive once more.
"I'm not going to let you go this time," he spoke with tears rushing from his eyes.
"We're together once again. And we'll be together forever," she answered him in joyous tears.
It is written in the stars, they are destined to be together.
Fate truly has a bizarre sense of humor.
* * * * *
After spending their reunion in joy-filled tears, Rachael showed Mark his true reality.
"It's time," Rachael said.
"Time for what," Mark replied with a question.
"You've been staying here for too long."
"I don't understand."
"We have to go now."
"Go where?"
"Up there. To where our kite's going."
Mark finally understood everything. Rachael wasn't the one who left him. It was him that stayed behind. His reality wasn't to forget her and move on with his life, for his life was with her all along. He must now fulfill his destiny. He must be with her forever.
Before leaving, he turned around and walked to young Rachael.
"Thank you for being with me. If not for you, I could have let go of everything and I would never have found my way back to Rachael. I wish that you'll also find your own kite and you'll be strong to hold on it as you way to your heart, when the right time comes. Farewell, Rachael. "
He hugged the young girl and kissed her on the cheeks.
Young Rachael stood there as she watched the two lovers leave. She just saw something she cannot fully comprehend and yet she felt it was something so great that even she cannot stop herself from letting go some of her tears. She felt ambivalent; she is happy for Mark and Rachael and yet she is sad, now that Mark's gone. Her young heart tried to figure out what happened between Mark and her, and why she's feeling such lost. One huge question seemed to great her to answer:
Did she "fell in love" with Mark?
After all, how could a 13-year old understand what "love" is?
For the short time young Rachael was with Mark, she had witnessed how he had yearned for Rachael. She saw how he tried desperately to give up his life just to be with her. She heard all his prayers and mourning as he desperately clings to all his memories with her. And she felt that his love for her was both his suffering and salvation.
Rachael was Mark's sweetest pain.
The love she saw was beyond anything she have seen on movies or television, or anything she have read on books and magazines, or anything she have talked about with her friends. She learned that love isn't just all about staying together. It's also about sacrifices. Love isn't just all about being engage and getting married. It's also about enduring trials and holding on to memories. And love isn't just all about happy endings. It's also about sad beginnings.
In her hand, Rachael held the string to Mark's kite. She can't seem to see the kite in the sky for it was quite far away from her sight. But she knew it was still there, flying in the heaven, for she can still feel its string in her hand. She somehow knew that love is like flying a kite. She may steer it to the heaven until she can't be able to see it with her naked eyes and yet she still holds on to the string that binds her to it, never completely letting it go. This was Mark's love for Rachael, and it is also young Rachael's love for Mark.
After all, a 13-year old may not completely understand "love," but young Rachael can surely experience it.
In a very young age, young Rachael had already experienced true love. It was just too late, now that Mark's gone, that she found the courage to admit to herself that she definitely loves him.
* * * * *
Several years have passed since Mark left, young Rachael had grew into a woman since. For her, he is her first love, and perhaps also her last romance. He brought with him to heaven all the love and dreams that they could have shared. With his departure, her life ceased to exist.
There wasn't a day where Rachael didn't visit the cemetery where she last saw Mark. She always flew Mark's kite there, for every time she steered it to the sky, she calls to him from the heaven. With its string she feels his loving presence. And she'll continue to hold onto that string for she cannot find herself letting him go from her heart. In her mind, she endlessly relives the moment where he hugged and kissed her for the first and last time. She found herself thinking about him every moment of her life. She kept on living on the delusion that he's still with her. And that delusion was her most desperate prayer.
She didn't know that her desperate prayer is going to be answered in the most surreal way.
Like a dying candle, Rachael hopelessly dreams that she would once again be with Mark. She kept herself away from the world while she waits for his impossible return. She lived her life inside an emotional bubble. She even contemplated on following him to the grave.
Rachael has become suicidal.
Lost from her own dreams, she decided to passed by the street where she first saw and saved Mark. She remembered her life with him. She also remembered how happy she was with him, and how she wanted to spend their lives together.
She decided to fulfill that plan. She shall be with Mark no matter what happens.
Seeing from afar headlights of a car, Rachael walked towards the middle of the street. Tears started to fall as everything that happened on that fateful night flashed vividly in her mind.
Soon, she will be with him once more.
Only a few feet away from her death, she waits for the moment where she would see the man she was in love with.
But Mark was nowhere to be seen.
Within a split of a second, Rachael closed her eyes and everything was followed by a deafening crash.
* * * * *
"Rachael..."
"It's not yet your time..."
"You must live..."
"Wake up..."
Rachael slowly opened her eyes. The lights were blurring her vision. But her hearing was perfectly fine. She heard a familiar voice that woke her from her sleep. And she tried to see where was the voice coming from.
"Mark," she called.
"Hello," a voice answered.
Coming back to her senses, Rachael realized that she was in a hospital room. She also realized that parts of her body were aching. She touched her forehead and felt bandages covering it.
"Are you alright," a voice asked Rachael.
Beside his bed, Rachael didn't saw Mark but just a guy her age was staring at her.
"Where am I," Rachael asked.
"You're in the hospital," the guy answered.
"What am I doing here?"
"You got a nasty wound right on your forehead, I guess."
"Oh..."
"Does it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"And who are you?"
"..."
The guy smiled at her and told his name.
"I'm Mark."
Rachael can't help but to smile at him while he stared in return.
-30-
It was a typical summer day in the beach. Catherine walks aimlessly under the scorching sun. Unlike most people, she didn't mind the heat. Instead, she was even enjoying herself.
"For someone who's about to die, a little sunburn won't hurt," she whispered.
Catherine is a successful banking executive. In a young age, she had already achieved what most people only dream on pursuing. And yet, her success is bound to be short-lived.
She's diagnosed with Stage Four Breast Cancer. And she has only less than a year to live.
She could have been treated by the best doctors with the best medicine her money could buy. But she chose to go to the beach instead. Her grandmother, most of her aunts and even her own mother had already succumbed to the dreaded disease. And she knows she's next and there was nothing she or her money can do about it.
For a person as successful as she is, she has no plans of letting anyone, even her family pity her. Even facing Death, she remained strong. That's why she chose to die in a place far from everyone she knew.
Somewhere in that same beach, Matt wakes up from a deep, drunken slumber. Unlike most people, he was unaware of where he was, and he remained lying on the sand while being charred by the sun.
"For someone who's tired of living, a little sunburn won't hurt," he smiled.
Matt is a freelance acoustic performer. In a young age, he had given up everything what most people tried to achieve. And yet, he lives a happy, carefree life.
He has not finished any degree in college. And he has no dreams at all.
He could have been successful, just like his parents and siblings. Matt came from a family of doctors. They even own one of the most respectable hospitals in the metropolis. And yet he chose to play his music in small bars in the beach instead. He had accepted that he is the weakest among his family, for he struggled so bad in his pre-med course while his parents and siblings dominated in their respective specializations in medicine.
For a person as pessimistic as he is, he has no plans of letting anyone, even his family, force him on what he must do. Facing his own life, he remained apathetic. That's why he chose to live in a place far from everyone he knew.
Two different lives. One summer to remember forever.
While walking at the beach, Catherine didn't notice someone lying on the sand. She tripped herself and stumbled upon him.
"Oopss!"
"What the..."
"I'm sorry mister," Catherine apologized.
"You drunk or something, miss," the stranger asked.
As they tried to untangle themselves, their eyes met. Somehow, the sun illuminated their sight. Time seem to stop as the two strangers looked at each other.
"Are we gonna stare at each other for the rest of the afternoon," and the stranger returned a smile.
"I'm really sorry I tripped on you," Catherine answered.
As Catherine turned her back and started to walk away, the stranger reached for her arm.
"If it's not too bothersome, I'm Matt."
"Catherine."
"You in a hurry?"
Matt's simple question sounded too complicated to Catherine. She then asked herself. Is she in a hurry for what? To take her lunch? To bid goodbye to her loveones? To die alone?
"I'm sorry. Pardon?"
"If you're not in a rush, I haven't eaten anything since last night. You wouldn't mind having lunch with me?"
With his irresistible smile, all she could do was to yield to his offer.
Matt brought Catherine to a small cozy restaurant by the beach. Their lunch was nothing extraordinary. But what made everything extraordinary for them was they enjoyed every moment with each other. A casual one-hour lunch had transformed into a long meaningful bonding. All afternoon they exchanged stories and shared laughter. They were two strangers that met for the very first time and yet they seem like two friends meeting again after a long time. For Catherine, Matt was someone whose worry-free life seems to radiate such happiness that she haven't felt for a very long time. As for Matt, Catherine was someone whose life shows such strength and courage that he hasn't felt all his life.
"So what brought you here," Matt asked.
"Vacation," Catherine answered.
"How's everything so far?"
"Except stumbling into you and making a huge embarrassment out of myself, everything's great."
And they shared a sincere laughter.
"Thanks for the lunch. I really enjoyed it," Catherine said.
"You busy later," Matt asked.
"It was a tiring day. I'm just planning to doze off early."
"Oh c'mon. No one here sleeps early. Life in the beach starts at sunset."
"I'm really tired..."
"I have a gig later at a bar not far from here. And I want you to be there."
Catherine wonders at Matt. She can't completely understand how could someone, who barely knows her would show such appreciation. She feels his sincerity in every word he said and yet her fear of her incoming death has made her heart blind. Anxiety grew inside her. And she let paranoia get the best of her.
"I'm really tired. Maybe some other time. Thanks for the offer anyway."
With a disappointed look upon his face, Matt just answered with a hard-fixed smile.
"If you change your mind, you know where to find me."
Inside her room, Catherine cannot put herself to sleep. A few hours had already passed as she stares blankly at her window. The sun had already set. Darkness swiftly covered everything. Small bars flickered their lights by the seashore. The stars had started their dance in the ebony sky. She knows her body's really tired. Cancer had already taken away most of her stamina. And yet her mind is still wondering about her acquaintance with Matt.
And she remembers Matt's invitation.
Somewhere in a bar nearby, Matt had just finish one set of his gig. It's almost midnight. Amidst the lively chats and shouts of his audience, he still hears the sound of the evening: the sound of bugs chirping and the waves splashing by the sea. He looks at his audience, hoping to find the girl that woke him in his deep, drunken slumber. Searching aimlessly in a sea of strangers, he whispered a short prayer for her to come.
And at the back of the crowd, he saw Catherine smiling at her.
After Matt's gig, they had a few drinks and decided to walk by the beach on their way home. It took them several minutes to build their strength to break the invisible barrier between them.
"I thought you would never come," Matt said.
"I never said I won't," Catherine answered.
"Thanks for dropping by."
"You were great."
"Thank you."
And they exchange warm smiles.
They continued to walk under the dim sky with all its glimmering stars. The waves had washed away their footprints and filled their ears with its sound as it touches the shore. She felt such emotional tension between them as his arms unintentionally touches hers as they walk.
Finally, Matt held her hand and Catherine let go of all her anxiety. She embraced his sincerity with open arms and let herself feel appreciated even for last moments of her life. They stroll by the moonlight as the night watches.
"What are you doing here," Catherine asked Matt.
"I'm also on vacation."
"C'mon. Stop kiddin' me. You're really good at what you do. Why are you wasting your time here?"
"Why are you doin' the same?"
Catherine found herself stuck with her own question. Her question had just backfired, stinging her with anxiety. She realize that talking to Matt was like looking at herself infront of a mirror. She was like talking to herself, asking the same question, looking for the same answers. She digs deep into herself, looking for the right words to say.
Stop. Sorry. Goodbye. Three words she easily found in her mind. She asked herself: would she stop Matt from being so nice? Is she sorry that he met him? Would she say goodbye to him like what she did with the rest of her world?
And yet she feels neither of the three are correct to say at that very moment.
"Thank you, Matt. I really love being with you," Catherine found herself saying to Matt.
"That was nothing," Matt replied.
"No you don't understand. Everything that happened tonight means a lot especially for someone like me."
"You deserve to be treated that way."
"May I ask you a question," Catherine asked Matt.
"Shoot."
"If you only got one day to live, how would you spend it?"
"Is that a trick question," Matt replied with a handsome smile.
"No tricks. I just wanna hear your answer."
"That's easy. Ok, hmmm... let me see. I'm gonna spend it here at the beach, have a nice lunch, relax all afternoon and play my music all night long then end my day with a midnight stroll along the beach."
"Nice answer."
"If I'm gonna die tomorrow, Catherine, I wanna spend that day exactly the same way I spend it with you."
"..."
Out of nowhere, Catherine found herself kissing Matt with all that she got.
Even for the last time, she felt so happy and so blessed. Meeting him was not in her plans. And being treated as sincere and as unconditional as what he was doing to her was just too good to be true.
Matt was just too good to be true. Maybe he really is.
She was about to smile her heart out as one tear escaped her eyes. The truth was just too heavy and too strong for her to overcome. Fear once again creep into her. She realized that she cannot let him be part of her life. She cannot stand burdening him with her incoming death. She cannot let him pity her. She cannot be unfair to him by letting him love her with just little time left in her.
Regret burned Catherine as she played the deadly game of "If Only's."
If only she doesn't have cancer.
If only she doesn't have only less than a year to live.
If only she met Matt earlier.
If only she could be with Matt longer.
If only she could live in this moment forever.
Catherine stopped herself from her self-created delusion. She knows she's dying and she cannot be with Matt for long. Knowing that was the greatest pain of all, more painful that her dreaded disease. She pushed herself away from him and let go of the all the wonderful feeling she had at that moment.
"Why are you so nice to me? You barely know me," Catherine asked Matt.
"What's there to know? All that matters to me is that you're nice and you're fun to be with."
She was too late. Matt had already held her heart in his arms and he seems wouldn't be letting go of it that easily. But she knows she must be strong, not only for herself but also for him as well.
"Would you stop being so damn nice! I don't deserve it," Catherine screamed as her tears fall.
"What's wrong?"
She must push him away. Things are difficult already. The more he stays with her, the more things would be harder and more complicated.
"I'm sorry I even met you!"
"You alright?"
She must end everything right now. Or she would be regretting things more and blaming herself further for involving him with her own demise. She cannot stand the chance of breaking his heart with her own death.
"Please. Leave me alone. Goodbye!"
"Wait!"
Stop. Sorry. Goodbye. Three words Catherine knew she shouldn't tell Matt but she also knew she had to.
Catherine turned her back at Matt and she ran away from him. Tears started to blur her vision. She cannot let Matt knows why she's in this beach. She then remembered the reason why she went here. She knows there isn't much time to waste. She's catching her breath now. Cancer had not only eaten her physical strength but also her emotional strength as well.
She feels the cold seawater as it touches her feet. She pushes herself with all the remaining strength she had. Soon it will be all over. Moving into the sea proved tiring as the water reaches her knees. Her tears are being blown away by the evening wind. Her life flashed in front of her. Her family. Her friends. Her achievements. Her dreams. Moving in the water becomes further difficult as the water reaches her chest. Seawater is a heavy burden in her ordeal but her own tears proved to be heavier. Then she remembered Matt. From the time she stumbled upon him. The time they laugh during their lunch. The time she watched him perform and he sang to her. The time they walked in the beach and he held her hand. And the time she kissed him for the first and last time. Her breathing becomes difficult as the waves kissed her face.
"It's over," Catherine whispered as she took her last breath.
And a large wave engulfed her and her body slowly sank into the sea.
* * * * *
It was another typical summer day in the beach. Catherine wakes up from her deep sleep under the scorching sun. Unlike most people, she didn't mind the heat. She even didn't notice the sun.
"For someone who's should be dead, a little sunburn won't hurt," she smiled bitterly.
Catherine is a successful banking executive. In a young age, she had already achieved what most people only dream on pursuing. And yet, her success is bound to be short-lived.
Her tears quickly followed her smile. She should be dead. She wanted to die on her own terms, on her own means, on her own time. And yet she lives.
She's diagnosed with Stage Four Breast Cancer. She has only less than a year to live. But she has no intention of living painfully in chemotherapy and dying with a tube in her mouth.
She could have been treated by the best doctors with the best medicine her money could bu
